Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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