Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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