The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
