Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
