Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
