I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
