My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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