Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
vagina is talking i cant
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
