can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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