Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
