Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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