Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
