the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
