i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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