just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
