Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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