btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
