My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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