get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
