Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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