Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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