I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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