I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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