i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
