I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
