Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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