mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
