I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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