and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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