remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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