this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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