so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
how drunk are you?
Several
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
