so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
