We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
