I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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