Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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