i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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