Already got asked if we're dating
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can't turn off my feet"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
