she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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