I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
