I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
