Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
