She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
