nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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