Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She told me I should be a condom model.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
