When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
