My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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