I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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