alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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