Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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