Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
