Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
