oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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